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101 Reasons Why Picard Is Better Then Kirk


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#1 Nickolov

 

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Posted 25 November 2005 - 06:40 AM

  • Kirk was a leader of followers. That's the only reason he (almost) got away with it.
  • Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
  • Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from period 1950's dramas.
  • Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 1 or 2 lines.
  • Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
  • Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
  • Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
  • Picard has so much back-bone Starfleet designers had to cut out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
  • Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
  • Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he stole a starship, he'd get vaporized, not given captaincy of a new one like in the easy old days.
  • Picard commands his ship using the big head.
  • Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
  • Three words: seven whole seasons.
  • Picard never uses Grecian 2000.
  • Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive" - a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
  • The only way Picard would allow tribbles on his ship would be as hors d'oeuvres.
  • Picard never met Joan Collins.
  • Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
  • Picard participates in the odd archaeological dig. Kirk would make a suitable subject for one.
  • One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
  • Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
  • Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
  • Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
  • Picard doesn't need hair - real or not.
  • Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in go-go boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
  • One word: SQUISHED (what would happen to Kirk and his ship had he met the Borg and tried to deal with them in the same manner as he deals with most other things).
  • Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population. Just goes to show how questionable his sexual practices really are.
  • If their situations were reversed, Kirk would probably nail Lwaxana Troi. Picard has standards.
  • Kirk can just about drive a stick-shift. Picard sells Pontiacs during the commercial break.
  • Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
  • Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
  • While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
  • Unlike Kirk's, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
  • You'd never have to clean Picard's semen out of the holodeck after he'd used it.
  • Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate & charcoal and used it to fire diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. Picard is a starship captain, not MacGyver.
  • Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness to attract a guard's attention once.
  • Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
  • Picard would never wear eye makeup. Ever.
  • Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-n-whizz baby toy.
  • Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
  • Picard and his crew can solve a week's mystery in 44 minutes flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
  • Picard never has to sign an Etch-a-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.
  • Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
  • Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
  • Kirk is so boring he's caused several computers to self-destruct merely by talking to them.
  • Picard knows how to make a starship last. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that's a trifle careless.
  • Picard's engineers never lie to him about how long it takes to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers, mess with Picard.
  • Okay, so Picard is French. But at least he speaks with an English accent.
  • Picard chews out Klingons. Kirk chews on Klingons.
  • Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
  • Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
  • Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest.... and he just Laughed at it!!
  • Kirk fights like Adam West.
  • Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
  • Picard never has Commies aboard his ship. Kirk has one at the helm.
  • Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
  • Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even more uncomfortable than Kirk's so he'd have fewer slackers.
  • Picard's phaser fires a burst of potentially lethal energy. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
  • Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his (except for the ones with green skin).
  • Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
  • When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a camp-fire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat" .
  • Picard ate Romulan soup and didn't even flinch. Much.
  • The Klingons in Kirk's day were real wusses.
  • Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
  • Picard's girlfriends just look good. In any light.
  • Picard once sent an entire ship full of people through a worm-hole to their certain doom. And just because his bartender suggested it might be a laugh to do so.
  • Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
  • Remember the time when the Captain of the Enterprise was a slow-moving, monosyllabic automaton with a funny name? But enough about Kirk, wasn't Picard terrific as a Borg?
  • Kirk only managed to make himself look relatively attractive by carefully selecting his crew; contrast is everything.
  • Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did something really cool like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating from a warp core explosion.
  • Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
  • Two words: Command presence.
  • If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he'd probably try to mate with it.
  • Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humour.
  • Kirk's First Officer played some form of Vulcan harp, an instrument that makes the trombone look like just about the most macho thing this side of Kirk's wig.
  • How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk.
  • Kirk commands his ship as if he's driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.
  • When Picard was 37, he was the Captain of the lowly Stargazer. Starfleet soon learned the value of "progressive experience" having witnessed the disastrous consequences of letting someone take charge of a real ship when their previous vehicular experience extended only as far as driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.
  • If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would have to relocate the command chair in sick-bay.
  • Picard has more than one token black on his crew.
  • Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
  • Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
  • Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
  • Picard would never have said "He's had too much LDS".
  • Picard never has to say stupid things like, "I...am a Gr'up!" in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
  • Picard was actually in his own show's pilot episode.
  • Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a Californian desert.
  • Picard won't spend his retirement writing science fiction books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis films.
  • Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
  • Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
  • Picard doesn't have to operate his turbo lifts using hand pumps.
  • Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound .
  • Picard's ego wouldn't demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance in a movie.
  • Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
  • Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
  • If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
  • Picard's First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in alien forests.
  • Picard would never blow up his own ship.
  • Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
  • Who ever heard of the Patrick Stewart foundation?
  • One word: Intelligence.

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#2 mlaz

 

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Posted 25 November 2005 - 07:31 AM

:nonono: old Picard is better looking as old Kirk <_< thats all Picard's better in.








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#3 ChristopherPike

 

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Posted 25 November 2005 - 05:36 PM

As much as I love TNG, there is one thing that ticked me off about Picard in the TV series.

You have a Romulan Warbird threatening to start a war and what does he do? :blink:

Yep, he arranges a conference for all the senior staff! I mean what are the Romulans actually doing while this is going on? :P



#4 Shlomi of Vulcan

 

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Posted 25 November 2005 - 05:48 PM

Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair (Even if it isn't really his own).
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
population.
83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
advantage.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off
--even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to
climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
its neck.
66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old
janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named
after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, the Klingon would likely be
dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a
"Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
shirts.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the
trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
translated as "GO f*** YOURSELF."
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay
in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to
call him"four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
doesn't trust the Romulans, he holds a staff meeting and gets fired upon.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on
shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls, and mighty big ones.
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#5 Nickolov

 

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Posted 25 November 2005 - 07:44 PM

BONUS: 101 More Reasons Why Picard is Better Then Kirk

1. Two Words: better voice.
2. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.
3. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
4. Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.
5. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
6. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.
7. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
8. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.
9. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
10. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
11. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
12. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
13. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
14. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.
15. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
16. Two words: better actor.
17. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
18. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.
19. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.
20. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
21. Picard's crew gambles.
22. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.
23. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
24. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
25. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.
26. No sideburns. 'Nuff said.
27. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.
28. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet HQ. Kirks name is an anathema to Starfleet HQ and alien races alike.
29. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.
30. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
31. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
32. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
33. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
34. Picard has never been demoted.
35. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
36. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
37. Picard has never encountered aliens from weird planets like "Zatar."
38. Picard's quarters have a window.
39. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
40. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.
41. Picard is a caffeine addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
42. One word: Leadership.
43. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
44. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.
45. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.
46. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to save him.
47. Picard would never stand for playing "Row Row Row your boat" around a campfire.
48. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.
49. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
50. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.
51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
52. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.
53. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
54. If poor judgment were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.
55. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.
56. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.
57. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
58. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
59. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
60. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)
61. Picard has hair on his chest.
62. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
63. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.
64. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.
65. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.
66. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
67. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
68. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
69. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.
70. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
71. Picard has never been bitten by a mugatto. Nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.
72. Picard has never aged prematurely.
73. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
74. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
75. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
76. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
77. When Picard talks, people listen.
78. If Picard were a late-night talk-show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
79. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."
80. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
81. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.
82. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.
83. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
84. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
85. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
86. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
87. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the Klingons.
88. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
89. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.
90. Three words: Better costume variety.
91. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.
92. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.
93. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
94. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
95. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on a number of occasions.
96. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).
97. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
98. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
99. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...
100. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
101. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.

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#6 Canadian Mind

 

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Posted 25 November 2005 - 08:36 PM

Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.

and

8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.

and

4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
impressed.

and all the klingon ones were the best so far... on to the second 101 list
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#7 Nickolov

 

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Posted 26 November 2005 - 05:42 AM

Please have in mind that the lists are only jokes. I praise both Kirk and Picard. :)

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#8 BORG UNITED

 

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Posted 26 November 2005 - 05:33 PM

Kirk did have a crew that was that was a little top heavy on slow witted security gaurds, poor training, blame the top guy, the big cheese, Kirk.

#9 ST47

 

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Posted 04 December 2005 - 04:58 PM

lol @ this topic
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Rejoice and be glad: The Trail to the High Mountain Pass is riddled with the secrecy and the darkness of the Arbiters of Law, but fear not, for your Lord, Tim the Almighty, shall free those who have been left behind in the Desert of Unknowledge once the Trail has been traversed and the Pass has been reached by His People. Rejoice, for with every passing moment, the day of His Public Revelations draws nearer. Hallelujah, and Amen!
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#10 Captain_THC

 

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Posted 04 December 2005 - 05:25 PM

Guys, my stomach hurts..... :worthy: :worthy: :worthy: :worthy: . :P

This is THE funniest topic in TU forums. Keep it up!
http://video.google....205277695921912#
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#11 Nickolov

 

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 02:21 PM

Ok. Now let's see why Janeway is better than Picard. :D

# One word: hair
# More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
# Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
# Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
# Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
# Keeps her First Officer properly in the dark.
# Can speak "technobabble" with the best of them.
# Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
# Picard could never act like a prostitute to gain a tactical advantage.
# Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 1/2
# Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
# Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
# Looks better in sleepwear.
# Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
# Isn't French with an English accent.
# "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
# Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
# When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
# Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
# To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
# The only child on Voyager is a cute little thing with horns.
# Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
# Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
# She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
# Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
# Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
# 40 episodes without surrendering the ship.
# 40 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
# Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship.
# She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
# Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
# Same level of sexual tension between Doctor and Captain.
# Has kids and they're cute little things.
# Never worries about meeting a son she never knew she had.
# Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
# Cheese
# Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
# She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
# Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
# Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
# Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
# Her telepath only lives nine years.
# Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
# 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
# Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."
# Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him.
# Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
# The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
# Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
# Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
# Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
# Doesn't need her first officer's permission to blow up her ship.
# The highest field commision Picard ever gave out was "Acting Ensign."
# Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
# Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
# Has a more manly voice.
# Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
# Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
# Had sex with a crewmember and "might have initiated it."
# Kes. Troi. No contest.
# Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
# At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
# Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
# Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
# Her CONN officer can use contractions.
# Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.
# Her Security Officer draws his phaser at the first hint of trouble. Picard's Security Officer gets beat up by half the aliens that come aboard.
# Hostile aliens surrounding her, half the crew are spies, the nearest help is 75 years away, and she's still kept the ship together.
# None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
# To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.
# Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
# Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

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#12 Shlomi of Vulcan

 

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 02:28 PM

Top 100 Reasons Why Kirk Should Return From the Dead


100. Spock has gone and lost his brain again.

99. The velour industry is on the cusp of an economic comeback. This could be just the opportunity they've been waiting for.

98. Kirk disappears into the Nexus and overnight Starfleet faces bankruptcy under a deluge of child support suits.

97. Data needs a new role model. Between Picard and LaForge, he's gone all soft and sentimental.

96. Arnold Schwarzenegger has expressed interest in playing Kirk's latest foe - an evil Ferengi tyrant bent on enslaving the galaxy's females. Yes, it's a stupid idea for a script, but think of the box office draw.

95. The Tribbles need a culling.

94. Word is that the Romulans have a new kind of cloaking device which could upset the balance of power. It's being guarded by a foxy high-ranking female officer. Say no more.

93. Three words: Earth, Final Conflict.

92. The Klingons have built a memorial statue of Kirk on the Klingon homeworld and they've been letting these big nasty Klingon pigeons crap all over it.

91. Even Vulcans agree. Space needs more kissy-face.

90. The Kobayashi Maru has actually been disabled in the neutral zone. This time it ain't a simulation and only one man can save them.

89. SOMEONE has to go to the Delta quadrant and get that incompetent Janeway home.

88. You're not a true hero until you return from the dead with some kind of boon for humanity. Just ask Joseph Campbell or George Lucas.

87. Just before saving the Enterprise B and being sucked out into the Nexus, somehow in all that confusion, Kirk found the time to put his hand on Chekov's forehead and whisper "Remember." Now Chekov's gone insane and he's been hitting on all the yeomans in sight.

86. The Enterprise B has a brand new state-of-the-art Andorian waterbed in the captain's quarters and it's just sitting there, gathering dust.

85. Wormholes, the Nexus, warping around a sun, naturally occurring anti-time particles, The Q Continuum, chroniton particles, chronometric particles, tachyon particles, rips in the fabric of time and space, temporal wakes, anomalies and distortions, mind melds, Guardians of Forever... Since the dawn of Star Trek, there have never been so many devices to bring a character back from the dead. A chimp could write Kirk back to life.

84. The Federation's population of red-shirts has swelled to unprecedented numbers.

83. There's been a rash of Kirk-sightings. At a gas station in Kansas. A grocery market in Nashville. A chicken restaurant in San Francisco. Mass hysteria or a cry for help?

82. The latest model of the Federation phaser has a new setting: WHUPP-ASS. But nobody around these days has the brawn to use it.

81. They went back to God's planet and He mentioned how much He missed Kirk these days, how He forgives Kirk for kicking His ass, and how the universe "just wasn't the same without him."

80. Ambassador Spock has a closet full of Romulan ale received as political gifts and he has no idea what to do with it all.

79. If Harrison Ford can make Indiana Jones 4, Bill Shatner can make Star Trek 10.

78. Did Hercules die? Did Robin Hood die? Did King Arthur? No. That's because heroes don't die, dammit.

77. The Enterprise B is in dire need of a real Captain, not some gimpy schmoe from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

76. When Kirk's obituary was circulated in a Federation interstellar press release, the Vulcans were a little miffed. It seems they were under the impression he died years ago during some kind of weird mating ceremony gone amok.

75. They have this wicked cool new Captain Kirk action figure just waiting in the wings.

74. We kinda miss the hypnotic cadence... of Kirk's... voice. Please! We... NEED more... of Kirk's... soliloquies.

73. Since Kirk retired and died, it seems like the Enterprise either gets blown up, infiltrated by the Borg or decommissioned every time you turn around.

72. Chekov's been spreading a rumour that all Deltan females are ditching their oaths of celibacy. If that won't bring Kirk back, nothing will.

71. When Spock died, Kirk raced across the galaxy to go toe-to-toe with fearsome Klingons, lost his son, blew up the Enterprise and faced a court martial to bring back his friend. When Kirk died, Spock didn't even do a tricorder reading of the Nexus. Spock! what's up with that?

70. Intercepted on a high-security Romulan channel: "Kirk is dead. I feel strangely empty inside."

69. The search parameter "Bring Back Kirk" on Yahoo garners over 23,000 matches. The search parameter "Leave Kirk Dead" garners only "Sorry, no results were found."

68. Picard's been walking around in a guilt-induced catatonic state, muttering "It should've been me."

67. Star Trek 10 could use some alien babes in skimpy gold-lamé bikinis.

66. The rest of the crew is kinda worried. Since Kirk disappeared Scotty's been hitting the bottle pretty hard and all he can talk about is taking off in search of something called a "Dysan Sphere," whatever the hell that is.

65. Bill's agent needs a new pair of shoes.

64. Everyone at the Paramount lot admits it. They miss the practical jokes.

63. No one playfully insults Spock anymore. As a result, he's starting to feel insecure, alienated and detached. Of course he denies these feelings, but we can all tell.

62. ;Thanks to breakthroughs in medical science, Starfleet has raised its retirement age to 105.

61. That wasn't Kirk who died on Veridian III. It was some doppelganger formed in a transporter malfunction.

60. The Cardassians still don't really respect Starfleet.

59. Even Spock is making a heartfelt plea to the Federation for more "cowboy diplomacy."

58. Computer graphics can remove the wrinkles. Stunt doubles can do the rest.

57. The Star Wars franchise has agreed to a trade: Jar Jar's comedic death for Jim Kirk's heroic resurrection.

56. Where thousands of intergalactic aliens, monsters, robots, probes and energy creatures fail, one white-haired, pleasure-addicted pansy scientist succeeds?!? Not likely.

55. Star Trek conventions have had a measurable drop in female attendance.

54. Kirk: 3,448. Grim Reaper: 1. Despite our rather formidable willing suspension of disbelief, we can't swallow this one.

53. Once Kirk died they started getting lax and allowed cats and Klingons onto starships. It went downhill from there.

52. Uhura's secret love may go unrequited.

51. Kirk is the only James Bond outer space has got.

50. The Horgon on planet Risa is a seriously under-utilized plot device.

49. In today's sci-fi there's a noticeable shortage of shoulder rolls.

48. These days Spock just sits and plaintively looks out the window, doing higher math in his head and listening to Vulcan harp music.

47. There's this crazy civilization on a little planet tucked away in a corner of the galaxy that has evolved into a society of mob gangsters. Rumour has it they've been putting the heat on Rigel VII.

46. Word around Starfleet is Picard's seriously considering making ceremonial dresses the standard uniform. Stop the insanity!

45. Bill Shatner desperately needs some Star Trek anecdotes for his next best seller book: "Star Trek 10 Movie Memories."

44. The destruction of Babylon 5 has left a gaping hole in the sci-fi market and nature abhors a vacuum.

43. Kirk deserves so much more than making scrambled eggs for eternity.

42. Since Kirk disappeared Spock has 1311 wins, 0 losses and 11 ties at three-dimensional chess, and he's getting pretty damn smug about it.

41. Two words: Plot conflict.

40. Apollo is back, blocking all the Federation's shipping lanes with that big green hand of his.

39. Without Kirk to wage war with, the Klingons feel like they're going through menopause.

38. Thirty to fifty-year old Star Trek fans are still too young to admit that Bill Shatner is too old.

37. Ever since Kirk's death scene, the phrase "Captain to the bridge!" has this new, awful double meaning.

36. Intercepted on a high-security Dominion channel: "Now that Kirk is dead we can finally attack."

35. There are still hundreds of supermodels more than willing to guest star in the next flick.

34. You'd think that after the Voyager experiment, the powers that be would've snapped out of their reality distortion field.

33. Nobody's fed Kirk's pet Vulcan fish in decades.

32. It's not an age issue, if that's what you're thinking. Patrick Stewart's no spring chicken either y'know.

31. Kirk and Riker really should get together and go bar hopping.

30. The internet fans are rallying and planning a gajillion geek march on Paramount as we speak.

29. Scotty's stashed a copy of Kirk in a spare pattern buffer for times like these.

28. Nobody pushes their engines past warp 6 anymore.

27. Complete this phrase: Spock is to Kirk as Robin is to _ _ _ _ _ _. Now do you get it?

26. Ever since the second pilot, the thought of "James T. Kirk" on a tombstone makes grown men misty.

25. The humpback whale population is dwindling once again and Earth's top scientists are powerless to help.

24. Kirk's the best Jesus figure that 20th Century literature's got.

23. Kirk said "I know I'll die alone." Well, he didn't, so his death is null and void.

22. Even the Ferengi agree Kirk should come back, citing Rule of Acquisition #147, "Never kill the goose that lays the golden egg."

21. Nobody can flick open a communicator with Kirk's flair.

20. Spock said it best in Journey to Babel: "It would be illogical to kill without reason."

19. The quadrant's rife with female aliens in heat. Say no more.

18. Let's face it, the Prime Directive's been holding us all back. Someone needs to bend that rule a little and nobody's been stepping up to the plate.

17. The Enterprise F is in drydock, just ASKING to be hijacked by a motley crew of silver-haired relics, and Kirk's just the man to lead them.

16. When Spock died, they brought him right back in the very next movie. C'mon guys, it's been two movies. This isn't funny anymore.

15. Fifty million pimply males aged 15 - 35 who dress funny and wish they'd make cell phones that look like communicators can't be wrong.

14. The Borg need a good old-fashioned ASS-WHUPPIN.

13. When Kirk died, Ben Kenobi paused and said "I sense a great disturbance in the Force."

12. Spock's been having these recurring dreams about Kirk that always end the same way: swelling orchestra music and the phrase "You complete me!"

11. One simple equation: Kirk = ratings.

10. McCoy (De Kelley) deserves the kind of majestic eulogy that only Kirk can deliver.

9. Kirk too, deserves the kind of majestic eulogy that only Kirk can deliver. Although this logic is severely flawed, it may just be sound enough for a Star Trek script.

8. Frankly, Kirk's first death scene kinda sucked.

7. Captain Sulu's been boasting a lot lately about how he single-handedly kicked Khan's ass.

6. A recent poll shows that 99.3% of Star Trek fans have forgiven Bill Shatner for that "Get a life" crack.

5. Even estrogen-hardened TNG fans are admitting that they miss Kirk.

4. The ghost of Gene Roddenberry visited Rick Berman in a dream, and boy was he pissed.

3. The following classified ad has appeared for the past few years in the Starfleet Times: Wanted. One swaggering do-gooder to save galaxy as we know it. Experience necessary.

2. Somehow Kirk's death doesn't seem official without McCoy there to say "You're dead, Jim."

1. Kirk's not dead. He's merely sleeping.


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#13 Captain_Hair

 

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 02:29 PM

# Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
# Keeps her First Officer properly in the dark.
# Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
# Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
# Isn't French with an English accent.
# Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
# To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
# Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship.
# Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
# She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
# Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
# Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
# Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
# Her telepath only lives nine years.
# Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
# Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him.
# Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
# Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
# Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
# Doesn't need her first officer's permission to blow up her ship.
# Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
# Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
# Had sex with a crewmember and "might have initiated it."
# Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
# None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
# Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
# Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

:lol: Beautiful! Just beautiful! Perfect! :roflmao:

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#14 Russell Crowe

 

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 02:30 PM

Top 100 Reasons Why Kirk Should Return From the Dead


78. Did Hercules die? Did Robin Hood die? Did King Arthur? No. That's because heroes don't die, dammit.



All three of them died. :P
Have you reckon'd a thousand acres much? have you reckon'd the
earth much? Have you practis'd so long to learn to read?
Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?
Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin of
all poems...

#15 Paolo

 

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 03:48 PM

85. Wormholes, the Nexus, warping around a sun, naturally occurring anti-time particles, The Q Continuum, chroniton particles, chronometric particles, tachyon particles, rips in the fabric of time and space, temporal wakes, anomalies and distortions, mind melds, Guardians of Forever... Since the dawn of Star Trek, there have never been so many devices to bring a character back from the dead. A chimp could write Kirk back to life.

How true. HOW TRUE!
:lol:
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#16 poko

 

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Posted 05 December 2005 - 07:58 PM

All three of them died. :P

Yeah, but no body likes to read that part! :P

-Doctor-

"The universe is big, its vast, and complicated, and ridiculous and sometimes - very rarely - impossible things just happen and we call them miracles."

"Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, somewhere else the tea's getting cold."

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#17 Trekker

 

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Posted 03 January 2006 - 08:56 PM

Ah, the famous kirk-Picard wars, watch as the drama unfolds, weeknights on Trek United lol,

But seriously they both have there qualities though I tend to lean to TNG
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#18 Khalifa

 

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Posted 04 January 2006 - 10:06 AM

My Favorite Captains

1 Captain Jonathan Archer

2 Captain Joan Luc Picard

3 Captain Benjamin Sisko

4 Captain Catherine Janeway

5 Captain James T Kirk

Edited by Khalifa, 04 January 2006 - 10:08 AM.


#19 Jenson

 

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Posted 04 January 2006 - 10:31 AM

hehe....this is a funny, but good, thread :P , I like Picard best...followed By Janeway :D
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#20 Locutus of Borg

 

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Posted 03 March 2006 - 05:42 AM

Funny topic...dont know who I should make my own 101's about.
CLICK THE IMAGE:
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