[Merced]

You can find this on the front page of Star trek.com but I guess it will be gone soon so I post it's contents:

Quote

Enterprise Saved ... With Strings Attached

With Star Trek: Enterprise hanging by a veritable thread the last two years, a new direction for the show has recently been unveiled that is being hailed both as a triumph of corporate synergy for the Viacom-owned Paramount Pictures, and a way to keep the show on the air. If you recall news reports from last year, UPN agreed to renew Enterprise for a fourth season in exchange for substantially lowering the license fee it pays to Paramount for the show. In order to remain on the network for a fifth season, the license fee would have to be reduced even more — to a level at which, under normal circumstances, the sci-fi show would be impossible to produce.

Enter the darlings of Viacom-owned Comedy Central, Star Trek fans Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park. Parker and Stone, you may recall, also made Paramount's "Team America: World Police," which ran in theaters last year and comes out on DVD in May. The movie grossed only $50 million worldwide, but it turned a profit for the studio due to its low production budget.

"The pieces fall together brilliantly," said a top Viacom spokesperson. "Matt and Trey take over Enterprise, and it's all done with marionettes! It's like Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet all over. Gerry Anderson, watch out."

The retooled show, under the new name Team Enterprise, will still feature the voice talents of Scott Bakula, Jolene Blalock, and most of the original cast. (Those who are not invited back to voice their character parts due to budget constraints will be invited to write an episode as compensation.)

The actors are excited about the prospect of continuing the show without the hassle of costumes, makeup and 16-hour workdays. "Now I won't have to get to work super early in the morning and sit in a chair for hours and hours getting appliances glued to my face before going on set," said Linda Park. John Billingsley, who was standing nearby, interrupted and pointed out that it was in fact he, not she, who had to suffer that particular indignity. Another actor requested the producers install a high-speed internet connection and a microphone at her house so she could just phone in her performance.

Parker and Stone have already started making a shooting model of the Enterprise NX-01, thus reviving an old Star Trek tradition. "We prefer the look of physical, tangible models over CGI ships any day," Parker said. "Of course, we have no visual effects budget whatsoever, so we won't be painting out the strings. You'll get used to it. Still trying to figure out where to put the propeller."

"We're also gonna re-do the opening title sequence," Stone revealed. "Record a new theme — something bombastic, action-oriented. Y'know, something that isn't, like, totally gay."

These ambitions may put the squeeze on an already bare-bones budget. But the new Trek producers can cut corners by utilizing existing props and sets from "Team America." So don't be surprised if Captain Archer looks suspiciously like Alec Baldwin, Trip Tucker like Matt Damon, Travis Mayweather like Samuel L. Jackson, T'Pol like Janeane Garofalo, and Malcolm Reed like Susan Sarandon. But it's all in good fun and shouldn't cause any more harm to the continuity of Star Trek.

Parker and Stone are looking forward to revealing, once and for all, the identity of "Future Guy": Kim Jong-Il.

I'm just glad that I knew it was April the 1st before I read it. Still kind of mean, don't you think so? I especially liked the wording "strings attached" (physical strings to a model ship that is)

There is another one: Next on Enterprise : Porker - When a transporter accident merges Porthos and Tucker, Archer must decide wether to keep his new Canine Engineer or return them both to their original state.

Has a nice picture of Trip with the head of Porthos. Had me rolling on the floor...



Also be sure to check out the Non-Production Report for Episode 99. "Allan Kroeker does not direct this episode, nor does Marvin Rush shoot it "

[Merced]

You just gotta go there, there is so much funny stuff on StarTrek.com right now. You can see they have nothing to do by the amount of bs they're doing for April the 1st. Here is some more: (I'm just putting it here since it will probably be gone tomorrow, as it happened to the April's fool stuff last year)

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Bakula Debunks "Holodeck" Rumor

Since it was disclosed that the series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise will guest star Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis, rumors have been swirling across fandom that the episode, titled "These Are the Voyages...," will reveal that the entire history of the NX-01 was an illusion played out in a Next Generation-era Holodeck. Captain Archer himself has gone public to put the kibosh on these rumors, and went so far as to spill the beans on the actual ending.

"The whole notion that the entire four years of Enterprise is nothing more than a Holodeck fantasy is absurd," Scott Bakula said at a recent press gathering. "I'll tell you what happens," he added off the record. [SPOILER ALERT] "I wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette in a Chicago high-rise. I have some dialogue about how she should wear catsuits. Then I get up and head towards the bathroom where I find Patrick Duffy taking a shower."

"I don't know what that last part is supposed to mean," he continued, "but hey, I'm not the science-fiction writer."

Ms. Pleshette and Mr. Duffy could not be reached for comment.

Or this one:

Quote

BBC to Remake Star Trek

Buoyed by the success of their most recent re-incarnation of the long-running Doctor Who television series, the normally cash-strapped BBC is close to reaching a deal with Paramount to purchase the rights to remake the original series of Star Trek.

This trend may surprise some, but according to a BBC executive, this is not all that unusual. "In America, NBC is running a show right now called 'The Office' which, in case people don't realize, is actually based on a show by the same name and is one of the BBC's most successful comedies ever," says executive producer Jean Enberryrod.

"Our Star Trek will be a complete remake," he continues. "We are inspired to go back and re-imagine the Original Series, recast it and take a slightly more modern — more British — approach in the look. We won't change the scripts in a big way; there will only be some slight character changes to fit our demographics better. For instance, Scotty may become Irish, or Mancunian, and since we really liked Jolene Blalock as a Vulcan on Enterprise, we're thinking about casting Spock as a female. Other than that, no real major changes are foreseen.

"The captain of a starship, we feel, should be a bit more of a gentleman when making first contact with other species, particularly the females. We see it as a bit of an anachronism to have the captain jumping into the sack with every female he meets. Literally, you don't know where they might have been, do you? Also, we need to come up with a catchphrase for the British Kirk, something totally original. We were thinking that when he hails people on the viewscreen, he turns and says: 'Kirk, James …T…Kirk.' Something like that.

"One thing we won't do," Jean joked, "is make the character of Captain Kirk a Frenchman, or an Earl Grey tea drinker. And Jude Law is, by U.K. legal requirements, our first choice as captain. We know he prefers to make movies, but he's getting to a point where he may want to consider a television show. One thing's for sure, though, if we can't get Jude Law, we won't wait — despite what Chris Rock says," concluded Enberryrod. "Besides, we've been told that Ricky Gervais is unavailable as he's working on copying another American series."

The BBC, and British television in general, is accustomed to making highly successful versions of American shows. Some examples of recent UK television smashes based entirely on their hit US counterparts include; The Fast Show (The Sketch Show), Little Britain (Little America), The Weakest Link (The Weakest Link), Brighton Belles (Golden Girls), The Kumars at No 42 (The Mike Douglas Show) and Coupling (Coupling).

Tony Blair is 79.

[Merced]

And some more:

Quote

Several New Star Trek Pilots Rejected

With all the talk of a new show, new movie, saving Enterprise, not saving Enterprise, etc, the franchise is obviously in a state of flux. In an effort to keep the Star Trek franchise going after the inevitable cancellation of Enterprise, Paramount has pooled together a variety of creative forces to find just the right formula for a sixth Trek series. Several pilots have been produced, but so far none have found the favor of network executives. Warning: Readers may notice a disturbing similarity to these concepts.

Some of those that didn't make the cut for next season include:

Desperate Yeomans — A saucy look at the secret lives of five starship yeomans, each competing for the attention of their captain but never succeeding because he's always got eyes for the green or blue alien-chick-of-the-week. Though guaranteed to be a water-cooler conversation piece, the network rejected it due to concerns that the show's star, Grace Lee Whitney, "wouldn't appeal to our target demographic." Teri Hatcher, who would have reprised the role of "B.G. Robinson," turned down the offer due to a prior commitment.

The B.Q. — A steamy space opera taking place in that sometimes-forgotten corner of Federation space, the Beta Quadrant. An attractive ion-surfing commander of an upscale space station with an attractively smart-mouthed son takes in an attractive Klingon delinquent. Sexual tension runs rampant as the two youths cross paths with the attractively troubled Romulan princess next door. The network sent back the pilot episode, requesting more attractive characters.

Ferengi Apprentice — Former Grand Nagus Zek has retired from political life but still has a substantial financial empire, so he's looking to hire a young go-getter to run one of his large corporations. A multi-species slate of contestants line up for outlandish competitions, from who can sell the most jumja sticks to who can negotiate the best asteroid-terraforming contract. Using a Tantalus Field he brought back from the mirror universe, Zek eliminates contestants one by one with the phrase, "You're fried." Network executives rejected the show because they didn't like Zek's hair; plus, they were annoyed by an obnoxious contestant named Amargosa.

Betazoid Bachelorette — A young dark-eyed beauty gets to select her future husband from ten handsome suitors. In the pilot, though, the fact that the woman knew everything the males were thinking and feeling pretty much took all the drama out of the show. Plus, the network was afraid of conservative backlash over the all-nude Betazed wedding planned for the season finale.

Fat Vulcan — Kirstie Alley returns as Saavik, the Vulcan Starfleet officer who is still petitioning for a starship command despite the fact that she's put on quite a few pounds and can barely fit in a uniform. Cable executives actually liked the concept, but they retooled it a bit. Instead of a wannabe starship captain, they made Saavik a temporal operative disguised as a human, sent to early 21st-century Earth to pose as a struggling neurotic actress, in order to study the mores of the planet's pre-warp culture. Spock, who dabbles in photography of women as a sideline, has expressed displeasure with the show saying it is un-Vulcanlike and dishonest.

Quote

New Series Announced: Klingon Eye for the Starfleet Guy

Five Klingon men, out to make over the world — one p'tak at a time.

They are the va'B Five: an elite team of Klingons dedicated to extolling the simple virtues of honor, tradition and style.

Each week their mission is to transform an honor-deficient and culture-deprived human from weakling to warrior in each of their respective categories: fashion, cuisine, grooming, ritual and honorable living.

It's a full lifestyle make-over where human guys turn in their briefcases for bat'leths, learn about bloodwine that comes in a vat, not a bottle, and come to understand why music is its most passionate at its most discordant. When the journey is done, a freshly tempered, newly enlightened, battle-ready warrior emerges.

Coming soon to QAPLA' TV!

Quote

Non-Production Report: Episode 99 "The Rest is Silence"

[SPOILER ALERT]

Production number 99 is not happening this week, and a lot of people aren't working on it. That sound on the Paramount lot is not the sound of new sets being built, it's a different sound. This episode is sure to not generate a lot of excitement, so we won't be bringing you any of the details.

The story, which has no formal title, is believed to not revolve around the Enterprise crew fighting off attacking Pakleds, space manatees or Romulans. Sadly, it was not scripted by some of the greatest names in science fiction. Acclaimed writer Phillip K. Dick is contributing nothing, Isaac Asimov passed, and Ray Bradbury, Arthur C. Clarke, Robert Heinlein, Alan Moore, Warren Ellis, none of them, not a single word. There is a long and distinguished list of directors who won't be at the helm for this one and each and every one of them won't be shouting "cut" when it's all over.

As seven days of principal photography are not now in progress, the makeup trailer sits idly and isn't being used to create numerous Star Trek aliens. Wardrobe, such a wonderful department, is not creating fabulous and exotic costumes for the illustrious guest cast which does not include every living Star Trek actor, from Shatner and Nimoy to Stewart and Mulgrew and all those in between.

The visual effects wizards, still busy with other stuff, aren't waiting to complete post-production on this episode, so that we won't be seeing any spectacular space battles, nor any strange, computer-generated creatures, nor any asteroids that look like floating pork chops. All told, none of these ideas will be pursued, utilizing the painstaking skills of the visual specialists who are 100% not involved with Production Number 99.

One of the final touches that won't be added to the episode that isn't being produced is the music. Some of the greatest composing talents known to mankind will, by virtue of their silence, not participate. Mozart has passed, as have Beethoven, Bach and Bono. Don't keep an ear out for the score, and especially don't listen for it during the teaser which won't open the show.

So, with all of that talent nowhere near in place, Production Number 99 is not proceeding at an astounding pace, right on schedule and on budget, which is perfect since there is no schedule or budget. And ultimately, as fans we'll share in this creative process when Production Number 99 finally doesn't hit the airwaves, so we can finally not see it.

Our popular and non-informative Non-Production Report for episode 100 will not return next week either.

"The Rest is Silence."

I hope I saved everything beyond April the 1st and I hope you liked the stuff as much as I did. Some of it was really hilarious!

[jjcj]

OMG! :frusty:

These guys have just waaaayyyy too much free time! LOL

Now, if we could just grab hold of their overactive imaginations and set them to work over here . . .

Have a great April Fool's day y'all.

jjcj

[Captain_Hair]

Quote

04.01.2005
Your Mirror Universe Twin and You

An FAQ that is QAF *

If you've ever looked into a mirror and wondered what that person staring back at you is really like, you're not alone. Over in the Mirror Universe, your twin is wondering the same thing about you! If there is one thing that Federation experience with the Mirror Universe has demonstrated, it is that we all have twins over there, and what that twin is like can actually say a lot about you. Here are some common questions about Mirror Universe twins.

Is My Mirror Universe Twin Nicer Than Me?

Chances are, if your twin over there is kind, gentle and well-liked, this probably isn't a good reflection on you here in our universe! Federation scientists aren't sure why, but folks over there tend to be ethical opposites. If your Mirror Universe twin appears nicer than you, don't despair — they might just be acting that way, and therefore actually nowhere near as nice as you are. Right?

Is My Mirror Universe Twin Thinner Than Me?

Probably. According to reports, the vast majority of sentient beings in the Mirror Universe are enslaved, which means they don't eat well and endure enforced labor in conditions that aren't healthy. Also, Cosmo subscriptions are null and void in the Mirror Universe.

Does My Mirror Universe Twin Have Better Skin Than Me?

Don't count on it! Again, most beings over there live a life of slavery, and Mirror Universe slaves are not permitted to use sunscreen or take proper care of their skin. In fact, many Mirror Universe beings actually don't care about proper skin care. Mirror Universe counterparts do not take a holistic approach to health care, mainly because their life span is so short.

If I Punch Myself, Will My Mirror Universe Twin Feel It?

No.

How Can My Loved Ones Tell Me and My Mirror Universe Twin Apart?

Easy. Goatees and scars are good things to look for. Tell your loved ones that if a version of you comes home with a goatee and/or a scar, don't let you in. If you have a goatee and/or scar in this universe already, then tell your loved ones to be on the lookout for a version of you either with no scars or goatees, or an extra goatee and an extra scar. See how this works? Note: Throughout the 1990s, many Earth countries were inundated with Mirror Universe look-alikes. No one is entirely sure where they've gone, although Seattle is suspected.

Will My Mirror Universe Twin Do My Chores?

If you're the kind of person who would exploit another version of your own self, chances are your Mirror Universe twin is dimwitted and gullible enough to go along with it. But be careful you don't end up with your books or your music collection re-filed from Z-A.

Do Animals Have Mirror Universe Twins?

Yes. So do birds, fish and insects. Look out for those scars and goatees!

How Can I Change My Mirror Universe Twin?

For reasons that baffle scientists, our Mirror Universe twins have a strange symbiotic bond. One theory explains that if your Mirror Universe twin is evil, the only way to change him is to become evil yourself, thus forcing him to change into a good person. However, who's to say your Mirror Universe twin didn't start the ball rolling by wishing he could change you from good to bad? Boy, thinking about this sure can make your head hurt!

What Does Having a Mirror Universe Twin Mean?

It means never having to say you're sorry to your Mirror Universe twin, and never expecting your Mirror Universe twin to apologize, either. You're like oil and water, two opposite sides of the same coin; you need to give each other space. Understanding is the key to all good relationships, but if you take your Mirror Universe twin out for coffee to try to work things out, it'll just be a waste of time. Face it, you're opposites, but take comfort in the likelihood that you have a much better life in our universe, with better food and skin care.

For tax purposes, can I claim my Mirror Universe twin as a dependent? Can he be a named beneficiary in my will?

No, because if he claims you as a dependent, it becomes a circular taxation conundrum. As for leaving him money in your will, we don't recommend it as he will just spend it all on facials, pedicures and clothes. Mirror Universe twins are notoriously bad with their money.

What if I'm attracted to my Mirror Universe twin?

Don't go there.

Next week, our FAQ will focus on dating Betazoids. We'll tell you what they are really thinking.

* Quite A Fiction

[auriak]

I know it's April Fool's, but I still couldn't appreciate the South Park thing. I didn't find it very amusing considering the circumstances. The Picard Manuever video is good though.

[Captain_Hair]

Quote

WORD OF THE DAY
Ni

NEE - noun. The most notable of the sacred words the knights are assigned to protect. The others are "Peng" and "Neee-Wom". All are infamous (but none more so than "Ni") for the unimaginable horror and fear they bring about, whether uttered by the knights or not.

Quote

Products

Federation Newsstand: "Gorn Quarterly"
Style tips and more for the discerning Gorn. Modern living by Gorns, for Gorns in the latest issue of "Gorn Quarterly."

Read the "Galactic Enquirer"
Was Adam a Starfleet scapegoat? Or worse?
This amazing story and more in the latest issue of "Galactic Enquirer." Available now!

Quote

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
-- Jan Brady

Quote

DAILY REMINDER
Milk. Bread. Eggs.
Pick up dry cleaning.
Floss.

[skylaryoung]

Do they have nothing better to do.

[Merced]

Apperantly not but it's worth a laugh as long as you don't fall for it... gladly I knew it was April the first before I read it. In fact I went to StarTrek.com to see if they had made any April's Fool things. Didn't think it would be so much though. I really liked the Non-Production report.
Just don't take everything so bloody serious. Remember to not take your life too serious since you won't get out of it alive anyway.

[Mr Lazy]

Whilst these were quite amusing, I seem to remember most of these stories being ones that were rehashed from last year... I would have thought that with 12 months in between, they would have had time to come up with some more original things... I certainly remember seeing that "Klingon eye for the Starfleet guy" before...

[zerovalen]

http://www.treknews....30645427703.php

LOOOL thats a good one too that's kinda similar to the st.com article about southpark. enterprise saved thanks to 40 billion donation and support of the german chancellor. a 'mysterious consortium' bought the entire viacom company and will now produce an even better show. enterprise gets tuned with an 5.8 litres V8 engine

[Ferret]

Sad part is Matt and Trey probably could write a better screenplay than B&B these days.

Always good April's Fools stuff on Startrek.com. Although, yeah, I also remember the rehashed "Klingon Eye" spoof from last year.

[Merced]

Ferret, on Apr 2 2005, 12:34 AM, said:

Sad part is Matt and Trey probably could write a better screenplay than B&B these days.

Always good April's Fools stuff on Startrek.com.  Although, yeah,  I also remember the rehashed "Klingon Eye" spoof from last year.

Well, they probably filled in the voids with that rehashed stuff. Now we all can wait for the real "Enterprise saved" announcment

[John Doe]

Had some good laughs with half of the stuff, but the other half was just plain stupid.

I wonder how did people from other parts of the world take this... most of them don't know about the American April Fool's.

[Shlomi of Vulcan]

As Spock would say, "You must be sh...ting me!" No way dude.

Merced, on Apr 1 2005, 07:10 AM, said:

You can find this on the front page of Star trek.com but I guess it will be gone soon so I post it's contents:
I'm just glad that I knew it was April the 1st before I read it. Still kind of mean, don't you think so? I especially liked the wording "strings attached" (physical strings to a model ship that is) 

There is another one: Next on Enterprise : Porker - When a transporter accident merges Porthos and Tucker, Archer must decide wether to keep his new Canine Engineer or return them both to their original state.

Has a nice picture of Trip with the head of Porthos. Had me rolling on the floor...



Also be sure to check out the Non-Production Report for Episode 99. "Allan Kroeker does not direct this episode, nor does Marvin Rush shoot it "

[Southgirl]

Some of StarTrek.com's jokes on April Fool's Day can be funny.

I remember that they are pretty good about going all out for April Fools on their website.

[Sto-Vo-Kor]

I hate april fools. I really do. The day you can openly lie and get away with it. Now think, if you saw something that was not true then made a terriositic threat. The said APRIL FOOLS. Do you think you could get away with that? I would say HELL NO. Again I hate april fools. Worst day ever.