[Commander Lazar]

So i am writing this novel Called ,,Star Trek Wormhole''. And here is the beginning.
Geordi and Worf were cleaning Data's old room after he died saving the Enterprise. Geordi had Data's uniform in his hand's. Then he saw a little console fall on the floor. Out of it a hologram appeared. The hologram was Data.
,,Worf come here!'' said Geordi.
,,What is it? '' asked the Klingon.
,,Data!'' Geordi said with a happy voice.
Data said :,,If you are watching this it means i am...dead. When i had the emotion chip i felt scared of death. So i sent all the memories and experiences into a chip. You can install in a new android made by my father's student Called Kenioth Rauuk. Goodbye! ''
,,Worf! Tell the captain! I'll install the chip into the computer.''. Worf ran as fast as he could to the turbolift when he said in Klingon ,,Bridge!''. The turbolift could not understand that. ,,Sorry! Bridge!''

If i have some writing error's just say. It is late in my country.

This post has been edited by Commander Lazar: 25 May 2011 - 09:40 AM

[Kirok]

Commander Lazar, on 06 May 2011 - 03:50 PM, said:

So i am writing this novel Called ,,Star Trek Wormhole''. And here is the beginning.
Geordi and Worf were cleaning Data's old room after he died saving the Enterprise. Geordi had Data's uniform in his hand's. Then he saw a little console fall on the floor. Out of it a hologram appeared. The hologram was Data.
,,Worf come here!'' said Geordi.
,,What is it? '' asked the Klingon.
,,Data!'' Geordi said with a happy voice.
Data said :,,If you are watching this it means i am...dead. When i had the emotion chip i felt scared of death. So i sent all the memories and experiences into a chip. You can install in a new android made by my father's student Called Kenioth Rauuk. Goodbye! ''
,,Worf! Tell the captain! I'll install the chip into the computer.''. Worf ran as fast as he could to the turbolift when he said on Klingon ,,Bridge!''. The turbolift could not understand that. ,,Sorry! Bridge!''

If i have some writing error's just say. It is late in my country.

Commander, you are to be congratulated! Not only are you a very young warrior in this battle of words but English is not your first language - which makes this very impressive!

There are really only two things I would comment on. Firstly instead of Worf ran as fast as he could to the turbolift when he said on Klingon ,,Bridge!''. it should be, in Klingon. This is just the kind of little mistake that anyone can make.

The other thing is that you use european style inverted commas to signify speech which are not normally used in English speaking countries. I tell you this as a technical point to help you improve your knowledge of English as a language, but unless you feel you must, I would suggest you keep this as part of your personal style! We believe in "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations" and just as Scotty was proud of being Scottish and Chekov was proud of his Russian heritage, you should be proud of who you are and where you come from.

Qapla' batlh je!

Kirok of House L'Stok

[Commander Lazar]

Thank you!

[Kirok]

Commander Lazar, on 08 May 2011 - 10:19 AM, said:

Thank you!

I use Australian / English spelling instead of American for the same reason.

[Commander Lazar]

Part 2:
The captain sat in his ready room reading the new mission report.
We got a distress call from a Vulcan colony called Darius-5. They said they have been attacked by a Borg vessel. Minimal casualties. But the Borg technology was very different from the Borg we faced before. More primitive. The Enterprise is to go in the time portal from which the Borg came and destroy all of them. The Enterprise will be escorted by 2 ships: the,,Winchester'' and the ,,Cleveland''. Beverly Crusher and the most experienced helmsmen in The Academy: Wesley Crusher are to transport to the Enterprise at 900 hours. The Enterprise is to be armed with the new torpedo: The Protomatter torpedo.
Worf came in to the captains ready room.
,,What's the rush Mister Worf?'' said the captain.
,,We can bring Data back!''.
End of part 2.

This post has been edited by Commander Lazar: 27 May 2011 - 06:01 AM

[Kirok]

Commander Lazar, on 25 May 2011 - 09:34 AM, said:

Part 2:
The captain sat in his ready room reading the new mission report.
We got a distress call from a Vulcan colony called Darius-5. They said they have been attacked by a Borg vessel. Minimal casualties. But the Borg technology was very different from the Borg we faced before. More primitive. The Enterprise is to go in the time portal from which the Borg came and destroy all of them. The Enterprise will be escorted by 2 ships: the,,Winchester'' and the ,,Cleveland''. Beverly Crusher and the most experienced helmsmen in The Academy: Wesley Crusher. The Enterprise is to be armed with the new torpedo: The Protomatter torpedo.
Worf came in to the captains ready room.
,,What's the rush Mister Worf?'' said the captain.
,,We can bring Data back!''.
End of part 2.

Interesting storyline - very fast paced!

K

[Beast Boy]

Commander Lazar,great job.Me very like this fan fiction,but sorry,what story was short.Will be wait next fan fiction from you.

This post has been edited by Martok: 27 May 2011 - 06:02 AM

[Commander Lazar]

Thanks guys.

This post has been edited by Commander Lazar: 27 May 2011 - 06:03 AM

[Commander Lazar]

In the last few weeks i couldn't write this because i was writing ,,The Chronicles of the Enterprise-F''. But I'm back!
Part 3:
The captain said:
,,How?''
,,Take a look at this hologram!''
Picard was stunned. He could bring Data back. He stud up from his chair and looked at Worf. The Klingon said:
,,Come with me!''
They exited the ready-room and on the way toward the turbolift bumped-in a few engineers that were reconstructing the Enterprise after the battle against Shinzon. The bridge was a mess. Tools everywhere, engineers everywhere, broken peices of metal all around the deck and that damn annoying ,,Red alert'' sound. Even the turbolift was a mess.
Picard and Worf entered Data's room. In it was Geordi installing the chip in the computer.
,,Just one moment.'' he said.
,,Here!'' he turned the computer and on it was a picture of Data's neural-net.
,,Captain, Worf! It is nice to see you again!'' Data's voice said.
Picard and Worf were looking around the room to find the source of the sound. Geordi pointed with his eyes on the computer.
,,You too Data!''
,,Worf...'' Data said.
,,Is my cat: Spot still with you?''
,,Yes she is.''
,,Could you bring her to my room?''
,,Of course!'' said the Klingon relieved.
,,Captain, you know the planet we must go to to retrieve my body?''
,,Yes Data!''
,,Good.''
,,Data, we are all grateful that you saved our lives. Without you the Federation would be crippled, the Earth destroyed.'' spoke Picard.
,,Thank you captain.'' said Data almost sounding happy.
,,We must set course toward Lanus-7! But first we must rendezvous with the ,,USS Winchester'' and the ,,Cleveland''. Sorry Data but we must go to Transporter room 2. Doctor Crusher, doctor Pulaski and Wesley Crusher are being beamed aboard.''
,,Would you care to carry me to the Transporter room?'' asked Data.
,,Of course.'' said Geordi.
In the Transporter room Geordi, Worf, Picard and the new young commander Martin were waiting for Beverly, Wesley and doctor Kathryn to beam in.
After some time the officer behind the transporter console said:
,,I've got a lock on em'.''
,,Energize.'' Picard ordered.
On the transporter pads appeared doctor Pulaski, Wesley and Beverly.
,,Welcome!'' Picard said.
,,Thank you Jean-luc!'' Beverly said.
,,Nice to see you captain!'' doctor Pulaski said
Wesley, now a mature young man came close to the captain and shook he's hand and said:
,,Nice to see you sir!''
After he shook hand with Worf and Martin he came to Geordi. He was confused because Geordi is carrying a computer that was suppose to be in a room.
,,Why are you carrying that computer Geordi?''
,,It's me Wesley.'' said Data's voice.
,,Data?''
,,It's a long story. But when you want to talk with Data talk to this computer!'' said Geordi laughing.
The Enterprise was in the Jupiter's orbit. On the surface of the big red giant could be seen a little black circle that is the Jupiter station.
Out of warp came three ships one a Galaxy class ship called ,,Cleveland'' and the other a Supernova class ship called the ,,Winchester''. But the third one was a Vulcan ship.
End of part 3.

Finally something longer!

This post has been edited by Commander Lazar: 21 June 2011 - 07:03 AM

[JHauck]

Interesting. Data leaves a chip in his quarters (effectively his "Last Will & Testament",) and directs the TNG crew to one of Soong's students, to restore a "clone" of Data's experiences via his A.I. core to life in a new android shell? Interesting indeed. Keep going with this.

Suggestions:

The Enterprise-E is still under repairs and Starfleet decides to dispatch the Saber-Class U.S.S. Bozeman-A (under the command of Morgan Bateson's Ex-First Officer Gabriel Bush,) on a shakedown cruise to Lanus 7?

Make your story a sequel to Diane Carey's novel "Ship Of The Line" ~and~ the movie "Star Trek: Nemesis".)

Captain Morgan Bateson (TNG episode, "Cause & Effect") should be written-in as in-command of the Sovereign-Class U.S.S. Atlas (from Bateson's cameo appearance in the Trek Game "Armada 2") instead of including the U.S.S. Winchester or the U.S.S. Cleveland.

[Commander Lazar]

JHauck, on 22 June 2011 - 12:58 PM, said:

Interesting. Data leaves a chip in his quarters (effectively his "Last Will & Testament",) and directs the TNG crew to one of Soong's students, to restore a "clone" of Data's experiences via his A.I. core to life in a new android shell? Interesting indeed. Keep going with this.

Suggestions:

The Enterprise-E is still under repairs and Starfleet decides to dispatch the Saber-Class U.S.S. Bozeman-A (under the command of Morgan Bateson's Ex-First Officer Gabriel Bush,) on a shakedown cruise to Lanus 7?

Make your story a sequel to Diane Carey's novel "Ship Of The Line" ~and~ the movie "Star Trek: Nemesis".)

Captain Morgan Bateson (TNG episode, "Cause & Effect") should be written-in as in-command of the Sovereign-Class U.S.S. Atlas (from Bateson's cameo appearance in the Trek Game "Armada 2") instead of including the U.S.S. Winchester or the U.S.S. Cleveland.

Sorry but i can't include the Atlas and the Bozeman. In the novel the two ships are called the ,,Winchester'' and the ,,Miltijan''. My novel is in Serbian and I've already wrote 40 pages. Anyway thanks for reading!

In this topic I'm gonna translate the whole novel (still writing).

[JHauck]

Ah, ok. Do you have your own website that you're publishing your own stories on? I'd love to link my site to your own page if the stories you're writing are all in your own serbian language. I want to include non-english content in my anthology to broaden my audience, and attract more writers.

[Commander Lazar]

JHauck, on 22 June 2011 - 03:13 PM, said:

Ah, ok. Do you have your own website that you're publishing your own stories on? I'd love to link my site to your own page if the stories you're writing are all in your own serbian language. I want to include non-english content in my anthology to broaden my audience, and attract more writers.

Sorry i don't. But as soon as i make one I'll tell you!

[Commander Lazar]

Part 4:
,,Hail them!''
,,Aye sir!''
A vulcan appeared on the view screen.
,,Hello captain Picard. I am captain Urik. We are going to assist escort you to the...''
,,You are only gonna escort the Clevelend and the Whinshester. We have to help our friend... Erm... on Lanus-7. We will rendezvous with you at the Darius system.''
,,As you wish. Live long and prosper!''
,,Peace and long life mister Urik.''
The Vulcan's picture disappeared and turned into space.
,,Miste Crusher set course for Lanus-7.''
,,Aye, aye!'' The Enterprise jumped to high warp.
The Enterprise approached the orbit of Lanus-7. It was a dark world. Covered with ice and snow. It gets only twenty minutes of sunlight a day. Even the stars can't be seen because of the huge gas giant which Lanus-7 is orbiting. The only source of light was the starbase orbiting Lanus-7.
,,Hail the starbase!''
,,Channel open.''
The captain addressed the admiral in the base:
,,Hello admiral! Can we go on the surface of the planet?''
,,Hi Captain! Let me just check... Hmmm... Yes you can. But you better watch your back. It's a living hell down there! I've been there once.''
,,I'll keep that in mind.''
,,Good luck!''
,,Goodbye admiral! Away team Delta, with me.''
,,But sir!'' Riker stood up.
,,Bye Will!''
Riker sighed. Worf, the Captain, Geordi, Doctor Crusher and her assistant Allysa Ogawa met in the transporter room. Allysa and Doctor Crusher were carrying class 5 med cits, Worf carrying a phaser rifle and a phaser and Geordi carrying Data. They stepped on the pads.
,,Beam us down Mister O'Brien.''
,,Aye sir... Good luck!''
The away team beamed down. The city was large but crowded. It was protected from the freesing outside temperature by a huge forcefield.
,,I am transferring the position of the lab to your tricoders.'' the computer/Data said.
,,But be careful. This man has been working on this prototype for thirty years. He might be a little, how you humans say: ,,on edge''. And he is an Andorian.''
,,Thank you Data.''
Geordi looked at his tricoder. He pointed North.
,,That way.''
Everyone had a hard time getting through the crowd. Some small Ferengi boy even tried to rob doctor Crusher.
,,Be careful Doctor.''
She picked the little boy up.
,,Where is your mother?''
,,Like it's any of your business hu-man!'' he managed to kick himself out of Doctor Crusher's hands and run of. She sighed.
,,Just ten yards away.'' Geordi pointed.
They entered a small alley.
,,Where is it?'' Worf asked.
,,It should here...'' he pointed at a brick wall.
,,Nothing... Wait! There's a door behind this. My implants are picking it up.''
,,Should we knock?'' Doctor Crusher offered.
Geordi knocked on the door.
,,Yes!'' a deep voice shouted. It sounded busy.
,,Can we come in?''
,,Are you Klingons?''
,,Worf, wait for us behind the corner.'' the captain whispered.
,,Huh?''
,,No, we're not.'' the door opened. Behind it was an old man in his sixties pointing a Romulans disruptor at the crew. When he saw that they were not Klingons he put the disruptor on a metal table.
,,What do you want?'' He asked angrily.
,,A new body for our android friend trapped in this computer.''
,,Well y' aren't gettin' one!''
,,Doctor Rauuk, it's me, Data!''
,,Data? I've been waiting for you a long time! How much has it been? Two, three years?''
,,Thirty years.''
,,Oh... Well i wasn't good at remembering years after all. Come with me! I finished the prototype a few months ago!''
They walked through Rauuk's house. It was dark, cold, but clean. They entered a small room. In it only a table with a perfectly human looking android body. Long, dark hair, pink skin, blue eyes.
,,Here it is data! Your father sent hundreds of probes holding the information i needed to create this prototype. It has pain sensors, an emotion chip and a system enabling your body to grow hair. Now i shall download you're program into this body!''
,,Thank you doctor. I am... happy for this.'' Data lowered his voice.
The doctor nodded and connected the computer with the prototype. A few seconds later. The prototype stood up.
,,I can move!'' he shouted. The doctor slapped Data.
,,Ouch! Why did you do that for?''
,,It's working!'' the doctor jumped ,,After thirty years of building it's finally working... Captain can I ask for one favor?''
,,Anything.''
,,Can I join your ship's crew? I have a degree in engineering!''
,,Well I suppose I can pull some string.''
,,Yay! Thank you!''
,,Beam us up O'Brien.'' the captain ordered.
,,Aye!''
End of part four.

This post has been edited by Commander Lazar: 14 September 2011 - 08:38 AM